How Women Test the Men They Like

By: Brother Mike Allen

Before we get into failure in leadership, correction, and responsibility, we need to talk plainly for a minute. Brothers, this is something most men feel but don’t always put words to: women test the men they like. Not always on purpose. Not always with maliciousness. But make no mistake, it happens all the time. Even with women who are Yah fearing and godly.

And these tests aren’t always loud or disrespectful right out the gate. Most of the time, they’re subtle. Small. Easy to brush off if you’re not paying attention. They come wrapped in jokes, moods, preferences, or that “I was just playing” energy. But underneath all that, the real question is simple: Is this man solid, or can I move him?

Some tests are light at first. A woman might tease you a little too hard in public, just enough to see if you’re going to laugh it off every single time or if you’re going to check it. She might talk over you, interrupt you, or correct you in front of people and then watch closely to see what you do next. Does he tighten up, or does he let it slide again?

Another big one is selective listening. And brothers, you know exactly what I’m talking about. This isn’t listening to understand you. It’s her listening just enough to ignore you. You clearly state what you want, what you expect, or what you’re not cool with, and she does the opposite anyway. Then she waits. Does he address it, or does he go quiet and keep it moving?

Then there are the practical, everyday tests. How much money can I spend from the account before he says something? How many decisions can I make without him before he speaks up? How many times can I override his judgment, change the plan, or dismiss his concerns before he finally pushes back?

Another test is when the decision is made to say go out for dinner. However, you didn’t have a plan, so you ask your woman what is she in the mood to eat. Then she responds with the typical, “I don’t know, how about you think of something, and I’ll be fine with whatever you choose.” So, you take the lead and choose your favorite taco spot, and she then irritatingly responds, “Oh, I’m not in the mood for that, let’s go over here.” Now you see what she just did, fellas? She specifically deferred her options to your choosing, and once you made your choice, she immediately rejected it, without liking realizing it herself. Her subtle obstinance in that moment has the spell of a classroom “pop quiz.” A surprise test with your name on it.

Another common test shows up as policing. Constantly checking a man’s phone. Asking where he’s been. Wanting to know his plans for the day, not out of coordination or respect, but out of surveillance. Especially in a “monogamy only” conditioned culture, this turns into what I call the monogamy police test. Spying. Monitoring. Needing constant updates. This isn’t about connection it’s about authority. A superior does not give daily reports to someone under him. When a woman demands ongoing access to a man’s movements, messages, and time simply to keep tabs on him, she’s testing who’s really in charge. Is she the authority, with the man responding like a child giving permission slips? Or does she understand that she answers to him? Left unchecked, this flips the order of the house. Addressed early and correctly, it restores clarity and respect without drama.

Sex is another area where testing shows up heavy. How long can I deny him before he brings it up? How often can I blame stress, tiredness, or “not feeling it” before this just becomes the norm? Will he lead the conversation like a man, or will he swallow it and build quiet resentment? Especially within a monogamous dynamic where a woman knows she is likely the only option. Couple that with the fact that a recent Harvard study shows that a man needs to have sex at least 21 times a month to maintain optimal health. In other words, this is not only a threat to a man’s authority and masculinity, it is an indirect threat to his overall health. I guess it's safe to say, when women can get away with this tactic, it’s a way of saying that “They have him by the balls.”

Some tests are more in-your-face. Open disagreement with a little edge on it. Challenging a man in front of others. Undermining him with the kids. Questioning his competence over and over again. That’s not accidental. That’s temperature-checking. The unspoken question is, “Is this man really going to lead, or is he just talking?”

Now let’s be clear brothers. Testing doesn’t automatically mean she hates you or is trying to ruin you. A lot of times, it means she’s trying to figure out if you’re actually strong enough or safe to follow. Weakness and passiveness do not feel secure to a woman, even when she’s the one stirring up trouble. Weak or inconsistent leadership just invites more testing, not less.

That’s why the responsibility doesn’t land on the woman to stop testing. It lands on the man to respond correctly. Tests either reveal good leadership, or they expose the lack thereof.

And that brings us right back to the beginning.

It was the man who failed in his leadership by not checking his woman when she challenged it. And that truth hasn’t changed since then. What the first fall can be unpacked to show us is this: although a woman may be in need of correction, it is ultimately her man’s responsibility to nip it in the bud. If he doesn’t, he must understand that he is not doing her a favour by assuming she will somehow correct herself with time. That idea sounds patient, but it isn’t Biblical.

Misappropriated patience backfires and helps no one. Whether it’s a parent who lets things slide or it’s the prison guard who tries to make friends with his prisoners by letting them do whatever they please. When it’s all said and done, rendering unhealthy patience can be a recipe for a problem becoming too big to solve.

There is a duty placed on a man by the Most High, and there is always a way to effectively communicate correction without cruelty, fear, or cowardice. Timing is crucial. A man needing to correct his woman is not something to “wait out” with passive silence. It is a matter of effective execution. Delayed leadership is failed leadership. A man must be willing to look like the bad guy rather than cling to the image of the nice guy, at the expense of failing in his duty.

Scripture is clear on this pattern. Joshua did not negotiate leadership in his household. He declared it by saying:

“As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15)

Joshua decided, in that moment, on behalf of his entire household. That is male headship in action.

Abraham was chosen by Yah for the same reason:

“For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD.” (Genesis 18:19)

Notice the word command. Abraham wasn’t selected because he was agreeable. He was chosen because he would lead, correct, and set direction.

On the other hand, Adam, Achan, and Eli each failed in this regard, and the consequences were severe. Adam did not check Eve. Achan did not restrain his household’s rebellion. Eli refused to restrain his sons. In each case, fellas, the Most High held the man responsible.

Now consider this question carefully: what if Eve had checked herself and never offered the forbidden challenge of testing her man? We always talk about what if Adam had checked Eve. But the question also remains: what if she had checked herself? Because Adam, the one in ultimate authority, had the ability to restore order; instead, he responded in kind. Still, the burden of leadership did not rest on Eve. It rested on him.

And here’s something men miss and need to understand: Eve tested Adam even in her pre-fallen, sinless state. And Adam failed to correct her in his pre-fallen, sinless state. That alone should destroy the fantasy that leadership only becomes necessary after or is the result of sin. Even righteous women need leadership. Testing is not always malicious. It is often instinctive. Women instinctively test the men they like, because they are discerning strength, clarity, and authority. Weak leadership invites disorder.

Men must keep guard over their women in the same way parents are instructed to guard and correct their children...not as tyrants, but as stewards. Scripture says:

“Whom the LORD loves He corrects.” (Proverbs 3:12)

Correction is not hatred, men. Silence is.

Many men are dealt with the immediate fear of confrontation in this area. They fear emotional fallout. They fear being misunderstood. They fear losing affection. But fear is not an excuse to abandon duty. Leadership requires courage long before it requires comfort.

To “nip something in the bud” means to suppress or destroy it at an early stage. The phrase comes straight out of the garden. When a leaf or flower is just beginning to form, it is only a bud. If you nip it, cut it, it will not grow. Left alone, that small thing becomes something far more difficult to deal with later.

This is pruning, and Yeshua spoke about it when he said:

“Every branch in Me that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” (John 15:2)

Pruning is not punishment. It is protection. A man who refuses to prune his household is not merciful...he is negligent. Leadership means intervening early, clearly, and decisively, before small challenges become full-grown rebellion.

Men who understand this do not wait for chaos to force their hand. They lead first. They correct early. And they accept that obedience to the Most High will always matter more than being liked.

Three Ways a Man Resolves This and Restores Order

Alright brothers, let’s bring this home and make it usable. Coming out of Babylon, most men have been trained wrong. We’ve been trained to fear a woman’s disapproval. Afraid of being called controlling, unloving, harsh, or “too much.” But let’s get something straight: control is not the problem. Unwise control is. Thinking that leadership can be placed on cruise control is wrongheaded. Biblical patriarchy absolutely involves control, but it’s ordered, intentional, and done with wisdom.

So, here are three ways a man resolves this properly:

1. Remember who you answer to and fear The Creator first

Before you answer to your wife, before you answer to your household, you answer to Yeshua. Full stop. A man who doesn’t understand authority above him will never wield it Biblically below him and correctly.

Think about the army. A sergeant doesn’t fear the private under him more than the officer over him. His conduct, discipline, and seriousness all come from knowing who he answers to. It’s the same thing in your house. If you fear upsetting your wife more than disappointing Yah, your leadership is already compromised.

Scripture tells us,

“Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men.” (2 Corinthians 5:11)

That fear isn’t panic.  It’s reverence for Yah, accountability, and awareness. You will answer for how you lead. How you correct. What you allow. What you ignore. So, build your relationship with Yeshua, daily. Pray. Obey. Walk upright. When a man fears Yah properly, he stops shrinking in moments that require leadership.

Fear up the chain of command, not down the chain of command.

2. Set the rules of engagement in peace and communicate with wisdom

Now this is where most brothers mess up, so listen closely.

Correction works best before conflict ever shows up. A wise man sets the rules of engagement during a calm season. Not in the heat of the moment. You sit your wife down when there’s no issue, no tension, no argument, and you explain clearly how your leadership and correction will look like and work in your house.

You tell her what you expect. You tell her where your boundaries are. And you tell her how you will communicate warnings, even in public.

This is where non-verbal communication becomes powerful.

You explain it beforehand by making forewarnings like this:

“If I give you this look, that’s a warning.”

“If I raise a finger, that’s a yellow flag.”

“If I make this hand sign, that means we’ll talk later...not here, not now.”

Everybody understands sports. In soccer, when the referee throws a yellow flag, nobody’s confused. It’s an alert that something is in violation. Play tighter. Don’t push it. You’re getting close to the line.

Fellas, that’s exactly how this works.

When you’ve already explained the system, she doesn’t take it personally in the moment. She recognizes it. She knows what it means. And now she has room to self-correct without you having to lecture, escalate, or turn it into a whole production.

Think of it like a wake-up alarm. Beep. Beep. Beep. It’s time to get up; it is a warning to stop continuing to sleep. And a wise person responds by getting up or risks being late.

This kind of communication saves energy. It avoids unnecessary arguments. It keeps things from getting emotional and messy. And yes, it prevents being pulled into endless explanations and words — something women are often more comfortable with than men.

This isn’t just for wives either. Over time, this becomes part of how you run your house. Your daughters learn it. Your children learn it. They each understand their father’s signals, boundaries, and expectations. That’s leadership. That’s order.

But none of this works if you spring it on her randomly. You build the system before you need it.

3. Seek counsel and guidance when needed

Lastly, Brothers, don’t let pride keep you stuck. Strong men don’t avoid counsel. They seek it.

Scripture says,

“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)

Sometimes you need help seeing where things went sideways. Sometimes you need wisdom on how to tighten leadership without hardening your heart. Sometimes you need elder insight to help you recalibrate communication, authority, and expectations.

That’s why we make ourselves available. Brother Michael and Sister Deborah offer relationship and leadership coaching for couples who want to get this right; Biblically, practically and without confusion. If you need one-on-one guidance, personal or couples’ counseling, or help strengthening your household structure, reach out by email. We’re willing to help.

Leadership doesn’t mean you already know everything. It means you take responsibility to do it well.

Tests will come. That’s not the question. The question is whether you’ll lead wisely when they do or keep hoping they’ll stop on their own.

They won’t.

But a man who fears Yah, sets clear rules of engagement, and walks with counsel will not be shaken.

Shalom!

Brother, Mike Allen

DIGGIN’ IN THE WORD

Stay faithful. Stay fruitful.

Blessings and Strength to You All,

Brother Mike Allen | "Discovering Truth One Dig At A Time"

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