Teachable Moment: “The Real Reason Some Men Get Left Out (And It Isn’t Polygyny)”

Let’s talk about a question that comes up a lot whenever biblical polygyny is discussed—and it’s a valid one when viewed through a modern lens. Today one thoughtful brother asked:

"In societies that have family success with this model, what is the fate of all the extra unmarried and undesirable men that are left over? How are their pent-up frustrations utilized?"

This concern seems to suggest that polygyny creates a crisis of excess, frustrated men who are “left out” of marriage and legacy. But is that really what’s happening—or are we just looking at Yah’s design through a cultural lens built on Greco-Roman values, an imperialistic control system, and soft expectations of manhood?  Here is my reply:

Shalom, Brother.

This is Brother Mike. I appreciate the question, and I know it’s a common concern. But let’s get clarity from Scripture, not culture or emotion.

First off, the idea that Polygyny “leaves extra men out” assumes that every man is entitled to a wife. But where is that promise in the Word? Yah doesn’t guarantee every man a wife. What He does guarantee is His concern and priority for the vulnerable—widows, orphans, and women (Exodus 22:22–24, Deuteronomy 10:18, Isaiah 1:17). Those are the ones who need covering. Not already-strong men trying to climb their way to the top. Now could this be why Yah goes as far to imply that getting a wife requires effort and is not something acquired by default? For He said,

“[He who] finds a wife finds a good [thing,] And obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV)

And let’s be real: Prescriptive monogamy doesn’t fix this problem either. If every man only gets one wife, and the ratio is 13 women to every one man in certain populations due to war, mortality, incarceration, etc.—then what about all the 12 plus women left out? Prescriptive monogamy leaves even more women uncovered, especially in times of national crisis. Polygyny is not the problem—it’s a solution that Yah already accounted for. In fact, in a time of such crisis, male shortage and women needing male covering in marriage the most, Yah also said,

“And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, “We will eat our own food and wear our own apparel; Only let us be called by your name, To take away our reproach.” Isaiah 4:1 (NKJV)

In other words, family, in a time of such calamity and deprivation, Yah says that “women will become so desperate because of a male shortage in society that they will gladly participate in polygyny without even demanding that the man provide for them. Only that they rid themselves of the scorn of being unmarried women. Now I know, many will read this and say that “We as a society are afar off from such a desperation.” However, let me remind you that even today women are organizing social mixtures which include rapid meet, greet and hook ups. Only to find that men are not interested. As women arrive at these gatherings, they become frustrated with the fact that they contain 80% of women while only 20% have of men. And even then, the women are still being so picky, they complain that the men who attend are either too short, too boring and or too broke.

Now let’s talk facts: Throughout history—and even now—women are hypergamous. They naturally desire the top percentage of men. That’s biology. That’s psychology. That’s observable reality. Most women will not marry down, and most will compete for the few men who possess strength, wisdom, stability, and leadership. This is the reason why many women are drawn to your Brad Pitts, your Chris Browns, because these are considered men of high demand. That’s also why righteous men in the Scriptures—Abraham, Jacob, David, Moses—had multiple wives. Yah didn’t rebuke them. He only regulated it so that it would be done justly (Exodus 21:10, Deuteronomy 21:15–17).

To the brothers who feel frustrated—don’t get bitter, get better. Proverbs 24:27 says:

“Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house.”

Translation? Build first. Hustle. Walk in purpose. Then Yah will trust you with a household. That’s your path.

And about that “pent-up frustration”—Yah doesn’t give men a pass to sin and then somehow reward them afterwards with a wife, they haven’t earned. Remember, if finding a wife is “good thing” then to obtain one is to gain something of value. Therefore, the last I checked, The Father is not in the business of rewarding disobedience, mediocrity and laziness. Now Hebrews 13:4 makes it plain:

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

If a man isn’t willing to lead, provide for, and commit to a woman in covenant and certainly not fulfill the will of The Most High—he’s got no business sleeping with her. We’re not out here promoting lawlessness—we’re promoting righteous, ordered masculinity.

Let’s also not forget: these pagan Greco-Roman societies that influenced modern Christianity used prescriptive monogamy as a control mechanism. The goal was to make men docile and loyal to the empire and not to Yah. They weren’t trying to raise up strong, self-governing patriarchs. Instead they were raising taxpayers and soldiers. That mindset still runs deep today, even in church doctrine. Could this be the reason why fathers in Israel are commanded to not give their daughters into marriage to heathen men? As the Scriptures say,

“Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.” (Deuteronomy 7:3, NKJV)

“If brothers dwell together, and one of them dies and has no son, the widow of the dead man shall not be [married] to a stranger outside [the family;] her husband’s brother shall go in to her, take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her.” (Deuteronomy 25:5, NKJV)

Now in Yah’s kingdom, what is the standard here? Women and children are a reward to righteous men.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord… Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them” (Psalm 127:3–5).

That kind of favor is only reserved in His kingdom for those who walk in obedience, discipline, and purpose.

So let’s stop asking what’s “fair” for every man—and start asking, am I the kind of man Yah can bless?

That’s kingdom thinking. Stay sharp and stay in the Word.

—Brother Mike Allen

May/03/2025

To view the full Call4Wisdom episode that this commenter reflects on click here: https://youtu.be/WrBC_PaJNe0?si=tRp_nhhkIr4VADDr